During the last months, I fell in love with different people. My real problem was that my mind was “acting like a child”, dividing work from loving affairs as two magnets with the same poles attract themselves (hint: they don’t). That’s good, but what happens if you bring “communication techniques” into love affairs? So I realized that, when I am in love, I was not that good in communicating as I am doing while working every day… then I decided to write down some suggestion about the “communication techniques for lovers”.
I decided to write some simple suggestions based on what happened to me, to remind me to communicate better. I want to apply some communication techniques that I’ve learned from the experience of working in teams, to my future love story, just because I failed in the past.
The fact that we pretend other people to read our needs is really stupid. Is really important that we understand that nobody will ever be able to read clearly what we are thinking, our needs or our interests. Nobody is called Steve Jobs or Jeff Bezos, and only few people are able to understand or create needs in other people. I believe this is the basic problem that brings us to communicate with other people in the wrong way.
Talk directly and clearly
I’ve found Emil on Grindr a month ago. We talked a lot for a few weeks. He was a really cute and nice guy, we talked about everything and we always had the feeling that we had something in common. (We wrote that, yeah) Then I made the decision to meet him in person, because a stupid app is not enough. What happen? I told him to meet in person and then we did… but because I was not clearly saying the word “first date” we had just a one-nite of pure passion. Well, I really enjoyed that, but the day after it was sad to heard his mouth saying something like “I was not looking for sex” and then argue about that. He is gone. Lesson learned: If you want a date, say the word “date” or you will maybe find something that you were not expecting.
Ask exactly for what you need
You have the idea of how many times we just need something specific. Some attention, some warm hugs or some “cold” fun. Well, when I was not in Copenhagen I really enjoyed “quick sex” with people that have a clear idea of what they need: they just write that and if you want it and you can just get it. Quick. Direct. Clear. No doubts… but sometimes you don’t want sex… I don’t want sex and is really hard to explain that you are looking for something that is “a date”. For some really strange reason is not easy to explain the concept of “I don’t want sex” and if you just ask “what are you looking for?” you loose “points”. The best idea is to follow the rule “Don’t ask and you will get a date”, but I’ve been twice in a sort of dates that were just built on “sex need”. Sadly for those guys they didn’t get what they wanted, but is better to be clear if you want something specific before you get something unexpected.
In my job is really important to express an idea when you are asking for something, otherwise you will get something different and unexpected… and you have to do everything from scratch. The same happens when you are looking for a date.
Problems stand for solutions
Let’s say you really want that guy. But what if you cannot plan on a date because he is really busy? Sometimes it’s not because they are busy, but just because they don’t want to have a date: to be practical and honest, If somebody really wants something but he/she has some “obstacles”, then that person should be able to overcome all the “problems” and be the first to find a solution and achieve the goal: If we really want something, if we really want to dance, if we really want to kiss, we just have to do it. I believe that the word “shy” is just a stupid excuse to hide other problems sometimes.
At work, I always have to find some solutions before saying anybody that there is a problem. If the “problem” is not going to affect our main “goal”, maybe is not a real problem. However, in case we really have to fix the problem, we can’t be “shy” or we lose money.
Do only what you can do: don’t change your life
We are not able to do everything. At work, I cannot force myself to do something I am not capable of. The reason is simple: It would take more time to do something that somebody, with that specific skills, can do in one minute… and I know for sure that he can do something better than me.
Love works the same way. I was trying to appear fascinating to Martino. I started changing my self: I changed clothes, I changed haircut and hair color and I changed interests. But nothing happened even if I was really comfortable in that new “skin”. Nonetheless, it was a sad waste of time… even if Martino says “you look better” he was not really interested in me. Lesson learned: If I am not able to do something, I should not force myself… at least I have to learn how to do that!
Don’t look for compassion
Do not, do not, do not ever confess your feelings to somebody else that is not the person you love. Is the worst thing you could do. In general, when you are looking for compassion and needs somebody to talk with, you must be sure that this person is your true friend. When I receive bad news at work, I can’t express my feelings to my colleague because this will generate hostilities or a big problem. But when you are talking about love, you can be sure that the person that is listening your feelings, will spread your emotions to everybody.
I feel always alone because I’ve learned the lesson from Antonio, but this is the right price to pay if you don’t want to have enemies or to hurt somebody that you really love. So don’t look for compassion, even on the internet: nobody really cares! (even if I share everything online)
The end of this long blog post
I am still single, so maybe I am not the right person you would trust… I don’t have (yet) a degree in Love :) Even if it may sounds creepy, these are just some suggestions based on my experience: stupid communication techniques “for lovers”…
To be honest: I still believe that the key is to be myself and wait for the imaginary guy to make his first move. The world is spinning around anyway, even if somebody refuses our love… but we always learn something ;-)